This is the Kind of Day I Am Having

I didn't pay the gas bill because the statement said it wasn't due until July 7. And this month is still June. I might be blonde, I might be a liberal arts major, I might be a youngest child, but I know the order of the months. May, June July. If last month was May, this month is June, then July isn't until next month. Duh. Even i know that. This means i don't have to pay the bill yet. I still have a few days before the due date.

Today the gas was turned off anyway.

I called the gas company. Furious, of course. Spitting mad, ready to take off the head of the next gas company employee I could get to after the 10 minutes of hold time and pressing a never ending series of prompts and more hold time and I'm sorry I didn't get a response press 1 for...Then FINALLY a person. A real live, breathing, eating, sleeping, presumably nap taking, working, live and very inquisitive actual person.

"Can I please verify your name? Thank you."
" Now can I please verify the address where the service is located?"
"And the address where we need to send the bills?"
"And the last 4 digits of your Social Security number?"
"What is your date of birth, please?"
"To update our records, can I please have your marital status?"
"Who is your employer?"
"And your mother's maiden name?"
"How about your blood type?"
"What about the city where you were born?"
"What did you have for lunch on May 8, 1987?"
"What is your most recent credit score?"
"How many times have you been incarcerated for a Class B felony?"
"What is your favorite television show?"
"Who do you think is going to win the next season of American Idol?"
"What is your favorite flavor of ice cream?"
"Okay, thank your for that information. Now how can I help you?"

Long story short, I explained to the Quiz Master that I wanted to know why my gas service was disconnected today when the two bills in my hand said my bill was not due until sometime next Christmas and I wasn't even given a 48 hour notice on my door like the guy across the street gets every other month to warn me the service was going to get turned off. This time she had answers instead of an endless litany of questions.

"Okay, so we sent you a bill in May for X amount of dollars. And then we sent you a 10 day notice on such and such a day for this amount telling you your service was subject to termination"

Nope. Didn't get them.

Immediately I knew she was lying because the two bills in my hand were for different amounts than she was quoting. And the dates were different. I argued. I protested. I demanded my service be turned back on immediately without further recrimination, penalties, deposit, or inconvenience.

The lady at the other end of the line declined. She kept going on and on about the bills for different amounts and different dates that were sent, or not sent, depending on which one of us you asked. She demanded immediate payment of all past due amounts, a $15 late fee , taxes, a phone processing fee, and a deposit equal to the amount of a large house before my service could be restored. Without meeting her demands I could not have hot water for my shower, or to wash dishes, or gas to run the furnace should a sudden cold snap arrive and require the use of the heater in the middle of June. She had me over a barrel. I was stuck, like a pig in a poke (whatever that means). Like Winnie the Pooh in a honey pot. Like a tire in the mud. Like white to rice. Like that sticky stuff to the back of tape. Like toilet paper to the bottom of your shoe at the most inconvenient and embarrassing moment.

Then I noticed a glitch to the scheme. The true reason for the problem was not even my fault. While examining the papers in front of me it became evidently clear that the US Post Office was to blame. The name and the address on the front of the envelope were different from most of the other mail that usually comes to my house.

Soooo...Apparently my neighbor Laura Livingston has another week or so to pay her gas bill, but mine was due at some earlier date. I think I'll wait until September to give her the bill put in my mailbox by mistake just as a little payback. Right now I get to go take a very cold shower. :(